


some day (i'll find you)

by moonstar_xii



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: Angst, F/F, i'm finally publishing it, i've had this in my mind for so long, not sure if heavy but angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:14:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22373935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonstar_xii/pseuds/moonstar_xii
Summary: "We call it... brain dead."Yongsun felt her whole body collapse, letting her tears fall down. She couldn't blink, or breathe properly, the surroundings blurring as she drowned in her own tears. She felt the whole world crumble, as if there's no more tomorrow and she's dead now or something. And she wanted to die, so, so much, because what's the point of living now that Byul is half dead and the reason is her?cross posted on aff at moonstar_x, find me on twitter at moonstar_xii
Relationships: Kim Yongsun | Solar/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul
Comments: 7
Kudos: 67





	1. cold, right?

**Author's Note:**

> okay it's not one shot and it's probably not that long but like i'm not sure if i'll publish it so here i am... if it receives good response then maybe it'll be quite long i am not even sure myself anyways here it is enjoyyy

"Relative of Miss Moon Byulyi?" A doctor who seemed to be in his late 40s announced to the long hallway full of people waiting desperately. With that, Yongsun sat up, too sudden that Wheein had to hold her hand to stop her from falling. Moon Seulgi, Byulyi's sister, who sat just on her right gave her a press on her shoulder, then on one second Seulgi was in front of the doctor. Yongsun, Wheein, Kang Seulgi, and Hyejin didn't waste a single second and went after her. Yongsun was held by Hyejin and Wheein and was already full of tears but she tried desperately to muffle her sobs.  _ She needed to hear what the doctor says _ , she thought. However, just as they approached the doctor, Yongsun immediately thought she wanted to be dead right then and there.

"We call it...  _ brain dead. _ "

Yongsun felt her whole body collapse, letting her tears fall down. She couldn't blink, or breathe properly, the surroundings blurring as she drowned in her own tears. She felt the whole world crumble, as if there's no more tomorrow and she's dead now or something. And she wanted to die, so, so much, because what's the point of living now that Byul is half dead and the reason is her?

Her breathing was ragged, messed up, like a thousand elephants were stomping their feet down on her chest and it's so hard to even take a breathe as if every air she consume pierce a dagger deeper into her throat. She had no care if she'd hurt herself when she lost control of her knees,, all her attention was just on Byulyi and how the younger girl looked the moment her car stopped turning. No, no, no, no,  _ no. _

Her shouts filled with agony echoed in the busy hospital halls and a few glances with pity written on them were thrown at her. She didn't care, she couldn't possibly care, nothing was even important anymore. Her mind was solely focused on how she was the reason and how she deserved lying cold in that hospital bed where Byulyi was.  _ No.  _ She didn't notice her hands helplessly punching the stone cold tiles until a nurse came to hold her still.

It was Kang Seulgi, their friend, who crouched down and took Yongsun in a tight, warm embrace and kissed her forehead despite how hard Yongsun tried to push her away, as if saying that she's here and it's going to be okay. And for one moment, Yongsun believed her, until she remembered Byulyi wasn't just in a simple accident but was brain dead and the chances of her living was  _ barely a percent _ . The nurse who had let go of Yongsun then greatly regretted it when Yongsun continued to hit herself. He was about to restrain her again when Hyejin hugged her from behind to stop her.

"Please, unnie," Hyejin hopelessly tried to voice out, although her voice came out in a hoarse whisper. Byulyi’s sister, Moon Seulgi tried to get her to stand, holding her like she’s a fragmented mirror and one wrong move could break her apart. Yongsun tried to understand Byulyi’s sister’s logic, how she was still staying with Yongsun when all of this wouldn’t have happened if she were thinking, but no matter how much Yongsun tried to find the reason why, she still couldn’t. With that, she continued to blame herself even more.

Yongsun saw the doctor excused himself, and before Yongsun could try to run over to ask for a second medical opinion, her friends had her steady on the floor. It was only a matter of minutes when Yongsun fell asleep in her friends’ arms.

_ It was the fifth of February, about nine years ago, when Yongsun and Byulyi started dating. _

Yongsun was about to turn 20, and Byul was 19, both still new to college. It was the afternoon of February fifth, a bit cold compared to the winters in the past years, Yongsun remembers it all too well. She remembers all the little details and every word they spoke.

Yongsun was in their university’s quadrangle. She had her long, thick yellow coat over her thick white hoodie and black jeans, her black small bag on her back, hair done in a messy bun and her lips slightly quivering from the cold. She even remembers how annoyed she was that day, because she failed a test and her research group was so messy, but Byulyi immediately lit her up within a glance.

See, Byulyi wasn’t always clumsy, but that day Byul was even clumsier with her words. She appeared, Yongsun remembers, with her black cap flying towards Yongsun’s direction and Byul almost losing her balance as she reached Yong, having to hug the older in order to prevent doing so, to which Yongsun reciprocated. Yongsun has it etched in her mind, a memory kept in her deepest stacks of other Byul related memories, but she’ll never forget it.

“Sorry,” Yongsun remembers Byul huff, steadying herself after picking up her fallen cap and placing it back to her loosely tied black hair. That was when Yongsun first saw what Byul was wearing, and it was never what she expected to see in the middle of winter. Just a light blue cardigan, a thin one, over a plain white shirt and leggings.

Leggings, in fucking winter. Sure, Yongsun almost laughed. Instead she smiled to Byul, the sweet, genuine one, and spread her arms to the younger.

“Cold, right?” Yongsun remembers saying, and she doesn’t know what went into Byul’s mind, but when the younger replied, take note: in a very panicky and stuttering voice, “I-I like y-you, too,” Yongsun felt her whole body stiffen.

_ Funny. _

_Funny_ , Yongsun thinks, because now she’ll never know what was in Byulyi’s mind anymore.


	2. unless i die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yongsun continues to reminisce her memories with byulyi, and she becomes more desperate.

Yongsun held a cup of what used to be hot with black coffee on her left hand, the other in a tight grasp with Wheein's both hands. Byulyi was moved to the Intensive Care Unit, and Yongsun had no courage to ask Byulyi's sister what the doctor had said about Byul staying there. It was a bit one hour since they knew of her brain death, and each second, Yongsun knew it becomes more and more impossible for a chance at her survival.

Her eyes were red, and she can barely open them, but through what she could see, the hall wasn’t filled with nurses and doctors running to the other patients’ rooms for an emergency. Still, Yongsun found the hospital busy. With the many patients needing close monitoring and others even dying in the unit, with the different cries she’s heard and all the desperate weeps and even mourning people, Yongsun knew she could never find the hospital quiet.

Suddenly, she heard another suppressed sob from two passersby; a faint “dead” could be overheard in their conversation. Yongsun tried not to think of it.

Both eyes closed, in the hospital still filled with working people amid the unforgiving time, Yongsun is reminded of the time she spent with Byul.

_She also had a coffee on her left hand that day, about seven years ago._

Contrary to the present, the coffee in the hands of 22-year-old Yongsun was hot, and definitely not black. It was a latte, a sweet vanilla one, as sweet and hot as the words Byulyi came to tell her that day. Byul's words were warmer than the coffee, however.

"Tell me, you haven't taken an hour of sleep yet, huh?" Yongsun remembers telling Byul, tip toeing in front of the latter as she said it. She remembers thinking of wrapping her arms around Byul's neck, but she didn't want a lot of people turning their heads in disapproval to their direction, especially because they're in front of their university's main building. Yongsun settled for a peck on Byul's cheek instead, which surely left Byulyi with widened eyes.

“It’s okay, I’m fine as long as I see you,” Byulyi replied, licking her lips as she tried to compose herself.

"Why? You want to sleep with me?" She remembers Byul added joking at her, swinging her left arm to wrap it around Yongsun as the latter dragged the both of them to a place Yong was thinking was empty at that time.

However, Byul’s words left Yongsun more surprised, as red as the hoodie she had that day. She took a sip of her coffee to hide her embarrassment, slowly sliding her other arm to Byul's waist.

Yongsun thinks Byulyi figured out she was embarrassed, because the younger pulled away for a bit to take a peek on her face. Byulyi wasn't wearing her glasses that day, so although it was a very small time, Yongsun swore she saw the way Byul's eyes shine the moment they met gazes, and she melted upon Byul's warm looks.

"Ah, you're so cute!” Byulyi exclaimed, pulling Yongsun in a tight half hug, which meant she sort of headlocked Yongsun. “I love you,” Byul whispered to Yongsun, but the shorter replied with a grunt and a few slaps on Byul’s arms.

Yongsun swears she wanted it to happen again, nonetheless.

“When will you stop doing that to me?” Yongsun groaned, fixing her hoodie, but shortly returned her arm to Byul’s waist. “Come on, let’s go to the library,” Yongsun continued, but Byul made a turn into one of the buildings’ corners and had her both arms pinning Yongsun on the wall.

“Unless I die, I’ll never stop saying I love you, though,” Byulyi said, voice deep, lidded eyes staring straight at Yongsun, to which Yong gulped. The next second they both found themselves inches away from each other, foreheads touching, eyes locked at each other. With that, Yongsun did not waste even a second to close the gap. She felt Byul smile against her, a hand creeping slowly on her waist, the other on her neck, so she took it as a signal and put her own arms around Byulyi’s neck, careful not to spill her coffee.

 _Yeah,_ Yongsun thought, though she never thought of anyone dying that time, _unless anyone dies._

It was a bit too slow and a _too_ passionate kiss. Note: too much, _too much_ for college students making out on a small alley in their university. Anyone passing by would’ve thought the two were ready to undress anytime. Fortunately for them, it was Seulgi and Joohyun who saw them; though no one can say anyone was happy about it.

The crack on a small branch littered on the ground was enough to stop the two, with Yongsun throwing her coffee a few feet away from the both of them at the exact moment she heard the twig. It was Joohyun who did it, who looked so annoyed more than ever. Yongsun immediately pulled her hands to herself, looking at everything but the two, she could tell Byulyi was startled herself but the arm on her waist stayed where it is.

“So, uh… Heading for your next class, guys? I was gonna walk unnie to her next class too,” Byulyi claimed, clearing her throat before doing so and leading the both of them near Seulgi and Joohyun. Joohyun rolled her eyes at that.

“Yeah, next class yourself, Byul. It’s fucking six. Let’s just go home now, shall we?”

Seulgi smirked.

“I think Byul unnie’s studying something else, Hyun unnie.”

Yongsun wanted that day to end quickly as she turned into a darker shade of red.

_The 29-year-old Yongsun now, however, would never want that day to ever end._

She woke up to the sound of Joohyun and their friend Seulgi talking not very far away from her and Wheein. Though all she can feel from her whole body was in pain, she tried to find Hyejin with her eyes, waking up Wheein when she placed her cold cup of coffee down on her side. There with Joohyun and Seulgi was Hyejin and Byulyi’s sister. She caught Hyejin’s eyes, but chose to look away to watch Byulyi by the window.

“Unnie, do you want something?” Wheein asked her, voice low. She felt Wheein’s hands press hers slightly, but she doesn’t bulge. She was lost in her thoughts, in her world, mind filled with only Moon Byulyi.

Surprisingly, she wasn’t crying. Not a tear was pouring out of her eyes, wetting her cheeks, or blurring her vision. She was rather… empty, somehow confused. Slowly, she stood up to walk over the window that separates her and Byulyi, Wheein following her soon after. Wheein didn’t know what to do.

“Yongsun-ah…” She heard Joohyun call her, but she gave no acknowledgement. She felt someone wrap their arms from her back, but she felt colder. She could feel eyes staring expectantly at her, but not once did she want to see anyone that moment. She heard a stifled sob, then another, then another and another and then she heard Hyejin excuse herself in a muffled, raspy voice, but she couldn’t possibly care less. She was motionless, just helplessly watching over Byulyi and she knew that but she couldn’t and she didn’t want to move. The hall was noisy now, but all she could hear was the slow beating of her heart. 

“Please don’t die,” Yongsun whispered softly, hoping Byul would wake up from her brain death, hoping she would wake up from her nightmare.

“Please. Don’t die,” she repeated, hoping to get a reaction from Byul, but all she saw were her friends’ mourning eyes reflected on the mirror, and all she got as a response was Joohyun’s soft voice calling her name and wetting her cloth as her friend tightened her hug.

Not a single movement from Byulyi lying lifelessly on the bed across from her.


	3. it was the same hug she gave

After about five minutes, Yongsun heard her sister Yonghee running towards her direction and immediately hugging her the moment her sister reached her. See, Yonghee wasn’t too much of an affectionate person to Yongsun but the younger only heard her sister’s careful soothing words of consolation while she tried to stop herself from crying again. She failed drastically, though, because in a few seconds she was a crying mess just like how she was just an hour ago.

Wheein never left her side together with Joohyun, while her friend Seulgi went to check on Hyejin who hasn’t come back since she left crying. Moon Seulgi, however…

Yongsun didn’t know exactly what to think of her. No one has entered Byulyi’s room, not even her sister, who she has never talked to that day except for a few hugs and words they exchanged the moment they saw each other. Yongsun didn’t really want to know why Seulgi hasn’t gone inside.

In approximately 15 minutes, Byulyi’s parents together with her younger sister Yesol arrived, greeting their child Seulgi with already tear-filled eyes. Hyejin and Seulgi never came back with Joohyun following shortly after Yonghee arrived, though both Wheein and her sister had given them space when Byulyi’s family reached her.

She didn’t know what look she gave them, but when she thought they would brush past her, it was Byulyi’s mom that took her in a really warm embrace that Yongsun could not, in any way, prevent herself from shedding tears all over again.

It was the same hug she gave.

_ It was Yongsun and Byulyi’s fourth year of being in a relationship, the both of them just started to work in a big company, when Byulyi decided that there was no point in hiding her feelings for Yongsun anymore. _

Yongsun remembers Byulyi telling it nervously at her, but what amazed her was how she managed to cheer up and support Byul and tell her girlfriend how much it meant to her when she was dead nervous as well. When they both went to Byulyi’s hometown together, Yongsun was sure she could pass out any moment.

“Mom, Dad?” Byul’s soft voice echoes through the window of the seemingly empty house. Yongsun was fidgeting on her hoodie’s laces but when Byulyi turned to look at her, she smiled a little. She then felt Byulyi’s hand on hers, calming her down a little but the look on her face still screamed uneasiness. She made a mental note of how Byul squeezed her arms and smiled at her, though she thinks she had every single moment with Byulyi etched in her mind already.

“It’s going to be fine,” Byul told her, eyes searching for Yongsun’s. With that, Yongsun finally smiled, her first that day, and went to hug Byulyi tight, eyes closed.

“Thank you for doing this.”

“Byul-ah?”

No words can ever describe how startled Yongsun was, instantly disentangling herself from Byul and bowing a whole 90 degrees to Byul’s mom. With that, she never saw Byul’s mom’s reaction to them hugging and her panicking. She didn’t get a chance to ask Byulyi either and it never occurred to her again, though she thinks Byul’s mother knew that it wasn’t how friends work.

“Oh, you brought a friend! Come, come inside,” Byul’s mom offered to her, quickly giving a hug to Byul before stepping aside to let the both of them in. She felt Byulyi tug at her too long pastel pink hoodie, and in a second she found her hand in Byulyi’s hand. It was just then when she realized how much she was sweating, quickly withdrawing her hand after.

“Do you want to take off your jacket? It’s a bit hot,” Byulyi whispered as they both remove their shoes. She didn’t make a sound, but nodded once at Byulyi, and then Yongsun felt Byulyi take her hand again. Yongsun will never forget how nervous she was at that time. Outing themselves to Byul’s mother and then eventually having to tell her that they’re together? Yep, that’s Yongsun’s greatest nightmare.

“Byul-ah? What’s taking you guys long?”

A second later, Yongsun found both of them in Byul’s home. One thing: it wasn’t what she expected. The seemingly empty two-story home in the outside looked nothing like how it was on the inside, where splashes of color décor the spacious common room. Yellow walls, white couches, wooden coffee table, the television in wooden shelves stacked with books and more than a dozen pictures around it. Yongsun will never forget how homey Byulyi’s home was.

“Byul? You’re here?” A deep voice echoed from the hall where appeared to be the kitchen is located at the end.

_ Okay,  _ Yongsun thought,  _ its okay. _

But nothing’s okay when you and your girlfriend are coming out as a couple in front of your girlfriend’s whole family, nope. There, in front of them was literally Byul’s whole family, complete with her sisters.

“I-I have something to say,” she remembers how Byul immediately stuttered once her whole family settled down, gaining their attention. She eyed Byul who sat on her left, and suddenly she felt her heart beating its slowest.

“I’m gay… I have a girlfriend, I like girls,” Yongsun remembered closing her eyes, then, a bit too hard, as she anticipated the reaction of Byul’s family. There was a moment of silence for a moment, and then she started to fear for the worst. She bowed down, accepting that no matter what she does, she’ll never be fine for Byul’s family. However, warm hands found hers in a second, and when she opened her eyes, Byulyi was looking with such love in her eyes that she even found herself brushing her thumb over Byul’s hands.

“Aren’t you going to introduce her at least?” And then, Yongsun found herself standing up suddenly and bowing down almost instantly, gaining a huge headache for the nth time that day. She badly wanted to throw up.

“I’m Kim Yongsun! 24 years old, I work at the same company Byul works at, I’ll treat your daughter right, I promise!”

That was when her girlfriend’s whole family laughed at her, even Byulyi herself, and then Yongsun was hugged tightly by Byul’s mother.

“You better do it, yeah? I’m glad you told us.”

_ It was the same hug she gave. Yongsun doesn’t know what she did to deserve this. _

Byulyi’s mom was stroking her back, telling her it wasn’t her fault when it’s just plain obvious that everything was her fault. It wasn’t like how her friends hugged her with pity; Byulyi’s mom’s hug was like her hugging her own mother. It was the comfort she needed so much, her longing for her own mother increasing.

“I really didn’t want it to end like this, please, please, please,  _ please, _ believe me,” Yongsun finally said, voice too raspy, too hoarse, barely perceivable. Even her cries were getting weaker, Yongsun knew her body won’t last her crying all the time but she just feels emptier each second pass by.

“Yongsun-ah, shh.”

“They said she’s brain dead but she still might be alive and they just confirmed it just about an hour after the accident she’s still alive, I  _ know _ she is alive, Byulyi can never be dead,” for the first time, Yongsun cried out. Seulgi tried so much to hold her still and Yongsun tried so much to steady herself, but even her vision was getting blurry. She heard her friends rush up to her, but she doesn’t care.

“Yongsun! Yong, Yong!”

“Yongsun, hey!”

“Yongsun, please, Yong, calm down.”

“I _know_ she is alive, because she _is_ alive, I’m so sorry, I should be the one lying there instead, Byulyi deserves nothing like this, she can’t be _dead,_ Byulyi is alive,” she sobbed harder, and then she started to gasp for air as she cried more tears.

Then she saw black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> took me three days,,, well, i tried to put everything in yongsun's perspective while staying in third person. i mean, we can't know what's in byul's mind, can we?


	4. i can't leave her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> took me a while ;-; i was busy with school, but hey i'm here! anyways follow me on twitter @moonstar_xii enjoyyyy

The next time Yongsun woke up, she saw white.

A second to adjust her eyes, and then when she was about to fix her hair, she felt a tube connected to the back of her palm and a splint. Okay, now she’s confined? She was supposed to be staying outside Byulyi’s room at the ICU at this time, not lying on the bed and confined.

She groaned a little, pushing herself up by her elbow, when she noticed Yonghee reading a book on the couch on her left.

“Unnie,” Yongsun started, voice a little bit hoarse from all the crying and sleep she had. Yonghee immediately stood up with that, offering Yongsun a glass of water and asking her about what she wanted.

“What time is it?” Yongsun asked instead. She turned to look out the window, and the blinding light scared her. Not even five minutes since Yongsun woke up and she’s already panicking from fear.

“It’s 9:30. You were confined here yesterday night and it was past the visiting time so the others left except for Seulgi, Wheein and Hyejin. They’re by Byulyi now.”

Nine hours.

It has been nine hours since she passed out, ten since Byulyi was pronounced brain dead, eleven since everything happened, twelve since she caused this chain of counting hours off Byulyi’s life.

Not even five minutes since Yongsun first opened her eyes that day, she once again shed tears.

“Yongsun-ah, hey.”

“What did the doctor say?”

“You’re supposed to be okay to leave by the time you wake up, you’re just finishing your IV drip and then we’re good to go, Yongsun.”

“I meant Byul, unnie,” Yongsun swears she felt her sister stiffen for a moment, but either way she’ll never know because Yonghee removed herself from Yongsun’s embrace.

“She’s… still the same.”

The pause made Yongsun feel worse than how she already felt, but the answer made her the worst. She felt Yonghee become more worried, but she really couldn’t do anything about her feeling guilty. There’s no one that can remove that feeling from her, however.

“Can I go now?”

Honestly, if there’s a word that were to describe Kim Yongsun, it’s stupid. Undeniably, irritatingly, just plain stupid. Who would’ve thought a 30-year-old would act in a very disappointing manner in the middle of a problem?

“Let’s go home, Yongsun.”

“I’m going nowhere but Byulyi’s side, unnie.”

“Yongsun, just come with me peacefully.”

No words from Yongsun. She didn’t remove her IV drip on her left hand, but she still got off the hospital bed and started her way quite quickly out of the room. Her thoughts were overflowing, overwhelming, but she had one goal in mind and that is to never leave Byulyi’s side.

What if Byulyi suddenly woke up and she wasn’t there? The first thing Yongsun wanted to do is to apologize to Byulyi and if she loses that opportunity then Yongsun thinks she’s going to get crazy.

See, when Yongsun was still studying, she was nothing but intelligent. She’d know every word of every term in every page and every book that no one in her batch could top her. She graduated first in every year, except when she was in nursery for some reasons she has already forgotten.

She definitely has no idea about brain death, however. Or she chooses to ignore them.

A step away from the room and Yonghee yelled.

“Yongsun, let them  _ grieve! _ ”

_ But I’m also grieving, _ Yongsun wanted to shout back. She’s also hurt, Byulyi  _ is _ her girlfriend, after all. 

“Let me grieve  _ too. _ Leave me alone.”

“Byul is  _ dead _ .”

_ When Byul threw up exactly ten minutes away from the hospital, Yongsun started to believe it was a dream. _

“Byulyi?! Byul, Byul, hey, love, Byul! Wake up, wake up, wake up! Don’t close your eyes, Byul. We’re near! Sir, please speed up!” Yongsun was practically yelling her lungs out, slapping Byul’s cheeks despite the blood. The blood. Blood, all over. The blood on her dress, the blood on Byul’s dress, the glass fragments on Byul’s face, the fracture on Byul’s arm, all the blood coming out of Byul’s broken shoulder, the lack of blood on Byul’s head.

“Dizzy,” was all Byulyi replied as she once again turned her head to her right to puke.

In two minutes, Byul was knocked down.

In two minutes, the three paramedics with her were busy with whatever they had to do. Checking Byul’s eyes, Byul’s heartbeat, Byul’s vitals, Byul’s breathing, Byul’s everything.

Meanwhile Yongsun was busy checking Byulyi’s right, not fractured hand.

Yongsun dared herself to look at the small, thin, minimalistic looking silver ring on Byul’s ring finger noticeably sticking out despite the blood that covered Byul’s whole hand.

Yongsun didn’t waste any second to hold it tight, brushing the ring with her thumb while calling all the gods that she knew and praying that nothing bad is going to happen to Byulyi.

“Can we speed up?!” Yongsun’s voice cracked. Although her hand was shaking so hard, she gently cupped Byulyi’s face, carefully avoiding the wounds.

Byulyi looked like she’s sleeping.

“Byul-ah,” slowly, Yongsun closed her eyes.  _ This can’t be happening, _ she tried to brainwash herself. Byul’s okay, she’s going to be okay, she can’t be not okay, and she’s going to live.

Yongsun gulped, she’s not going to cry because there’s no reason to cry.

Desperate.

Yongsun tried to brush off the truth.

She clasped Byulyi’s hand tighter, and in a minute, they reached the hospital.

_ Byulyi is not going to die. _

“Leave me alone.”

But Yongsun felt her sister’s hand on her back in the next minute. She tried so hard not to look.

“I’m sorry, Yongsun. It’s just, Wheein told me the doctor told Byul’s parents about organ donation and that there’s no chance for her to–”

“ _ Byul _ is going to live. Let’s go to her,” Yongsun said, but it sounded like she was pleading to her sister, convincing Yonghee and herself.

“Yongsun-ah, please.”

“I can’t leave her alone.”

Yongsun felt herself choking at the words she said, fully knowing well that it was the reason why everything’s happening at the moment.

If only she said it sooner.

Nevertheless, she soon found herself on the same hallway she was a few hours ago. Barely 10 in the morning, but everyone is once again present in the same spot. Hyejin and Wheein welcomed her with a tight hug, Joohyun and Seulgi following afterwards.

She made her way beside Byulyi’s mom in front of the window separating them and Byul, telling herself she can’t cry again.

“Have you gone home to sleep yet?” Yongsun opened up, staring at Byulyi’s casted left arm and the patch of gauze pads taped on Byul’s face. She took a deep, unstable breath and turned to look at Byulyi’s mom instead.

Byulyi’s mom, who was smiling despite everything that was happening.

“I haven’t, but Byul’s sisters and his father did,” pause, Byul’s mom held Yongsun’s hand, “are you okay now?”

Yongsun couldn’t help herself but look down, silently shaking her head.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t protect Byulyi,” she whispered, staring at her hand linked with Byul’s mom’s. Suddenly, a ring appeared in front of her eyes.

“I think the nurses forgot to give it to you, or they just waited for her parents to come but here,” Byul’s mom started, and then Yongsun felt her opening her hand, placing the ring on the top of her palm.

“Go home, Yongsun. Take care of yourself too.”

“But Byulyi…”

“Rest, that’s what you should do, my daughter. It’s going to be okay,” she felt Byul’s mom squeeze her hand.

Yongsun doesn’t really know how Byul’s mom can be so calm.

She brushed the two rings on her fourth finger.

_ Byul is going to be okay _ , Yongsun repeated as they all went home _. _


	5. one, two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a chapter left ?? thank you for following!! enjoy reading!! againnn follow me @moonstar_xii on twitter kkk

“Yong, I’ll come back here by tomorrow morning, okay?”

“I love you, remember that. We’re here for you, sweetie,” Yongsun felt Joohyun’s lips on her forehead, and then in a second, she was alone once again.

It’s not that she was always alone; she has always been with someone everywhere she went. May it be Byulyi, Joohyun, Wheein, Hyejin, or even Seulgi and their whole friend group before, Yongsun was always with them. There wasn’t a moment in the past where Yongsun felt she was alone even when she was literally by herself, not until this moment when nothing felt real anymore.

Honestly, ever since she opened her eyes that morning, there was that hole in her heart.

Her older sister may have noticed it, her friends might have seen it, but no one dared to talk about it. Good, Yongsun thinks. How else can she explain what she actually feels when they ask her? All the ‘it’s not your fault’ whispers wouldn’t work to Yongsun.

And then she had to leave Byulyi’s side, and then her sister left her, and then Wheein left her, and then Hyejin, and then Seulgi, and then Joohyun, and then she was left alone in her shared apartment with Byul that never seemed so empty until then.

And then Byul will have to leave her.

Or has Byul already left her?

Ever since Yongsun realized everything that happened last night wasn’t a dream, ever since Yongsun woke up from her day dream of a happy life, ever since she finally processed that everything was real, Yongsun felt some sort of deepness in her heart. No one can blame her.

 _Half of her life is gone_. That’s not something everyone deals with everyday. That’s _not_ something to belittle. She feels beyond miserable.

She doesn’t deserve to feel miserable.

Her gaze went from staring at the closed television to her ring finger, where two silver rings now are worn.

_Two seconds._

It took Yongsun exactly two seconds to process what Byulyi was telling her.

“M-marry?” she remembers how shaky her voice was, how she felt the sudden surge of happiness flood her veins, how it took only a millisecond for her to say yes, how Byulyi suddenly lifted her off the ground to spin her, how Byulyi screamed in gladness, how tight Byulyi hugged her, how happy Byulyi was, how wide Byulyi’s smile was, how it seemed like Byulyi won the whole universe, how precious Byulyi looked like at that exact moment.

_Two seconds._

It took Yongsun exactly two seconds to process what she just told Byulyi.

“B-Byul ah, I didn’t mean to say it,” she remembers exactly how fast she was suddenly by Byul’s side, how hard yet pleading her grip was on Byul’s hand, how her heart slowly crushed, how she slowly crushed Byul’s heart, how she slowly crushed their relationship, how she slowly crushed Byul’s life, how she slowly drained Byul’s life, how she slowly lost Byulyi completely from her life.

_Two seconds._

It took Yongsun exactly two seconds to process what she had just witnessed unfolding before her eyes.

“Moon Byulyi,” she remembers whispering in horror, how she was stuck in her place, how all her exhaustion from having to run after Byul’s car suddenly went away, how she watched Byul being ejected from her windshield, how Byul landed on her left shoulder and then on her head a few meters in front of her then trashed car, how she gradually felt cold from head to toe, how she immediately ran after Byulyi even when she knew how dangerous it was, how much she was shaking when she reached Byulyi, how much blood went out of Byul’s shoulder, how relieved she was to see Byulyi still conscious, how Byulyi smiled ever so apologetically after seeing her, how red Byulyi’s eyes were from crying, how much she screamed Byulyi’s name, how loud she called Byulyi’s name.

_Two seconds._

It took Yongsun exactly two seconds to remember everything that happened.

In a flash, before her eyes, all from her perspective, and she failed to save Byulyi each time. The first time, from the pain loving her would bring Byulyi. The second time, from the pain Byulyi would experience. The third time, from the pain Byulyi could never feel.

She clasped her hand; her eyes closed tight, thinking of Byulyi holding her, almost thinking that Byulyi was actually holding her.

A framed picture of her and Byulyi that sat on the table beside the television greeted her when she opened her eyes, and then she was once again taken back almost a year ago.

_Fifth of February, seven years into their relationship, Yongsun remembers it too clearly._

The sun was setting, casting orange rays to the rather deep blue ocean, making Byulyi’s hair a lighter shade of brown, her blue coat a bit darker. Yongsun has it etched in her mind, how the sun kissed Byulyi’s face, the way Byulyi laughed so sweetly, how Byulyi walked so carelessly beside her as they strolled the shore, the way Byulyi loved to capture each moment they were together.

Byulyi brought her to the Naksan beach that day. It was a Sunday, and although it was still winter, the thought of spending the day with Byulyi excited Yongsun even in their seventh year. And so, they went, both with their cameras, ready to fill their homes with their pictures.

“Yong!” Yongsun heard Byul shout her name, so she turned, smiling wide, hands on her own camera. She remembers Byul’s teasing after a second, when she realized Byul took a picture of her.

“You look so weird!” Yongsun then thumped her feet on the sand, whining.

“Yah! Why would you do that?” She complained, running over to her girlfriend and tugging the lace of Byul’s camera when Byulyi extended her hand over her head.

“Hey! Stop reaching out, you’re gonna fall into the water,” Yongsun then hugged Byulyi’s waist, pouting at her girlfriend. She felt Byul’s soft laughter on her hair, and then Byulyi pushing her softly to make a gap between the two of them.

“I’m kidding. You look perfect,” Yongsun remembers blushing hard at Byul’s words, glancing at the photo flashed on the screen of Byul’s camera.

“Take one for me too!” Byulyi screamed like a kid, and in a moment Yongsun couldn’t feel Byul’s warmth anymore. She laughed Byulyi’s immaturity off, raising her own camera to take a picture of Byulyi. It took a second for the camera to show the photo, so Yongsun had it down, carefully examining how beautiful Byulyi was.

“You’re so beautiful,” Yongsun commented, lifting up her head to look at Byul, but a silver ring a few inches away from her met her eyes.

“You know how you’re the love of my life, how I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with you, and that I’ll never leave you whatever happens, in this lifetime and even in our next lives,” Yongsun could hear her heart beating so _so_ slow, her gaze transferring from the ring to Byulyi’s nervous face. She grasped her camera tighter, eyes teary.

“And I love you, so much, Kim Yongsun. I’ll find you in each and every lifetime we’ll have, no matter what it takes. The only question left now is, are you willing to spend the rest of your life with me too?” Yongsun’s mouth gaped slightly. Is she crazy or is Moon Byulyi really asking her hand for marriage?

“Marry me?” Byul repeated, and Yongsun, watching her nervous girlfriend chew her lip, still couldn’t believe what was happening.

Two seconds.

Yongsun’s rule. Whenever she’s daydreaming, she counts to three and everything is back to normal. She does it to stop herself from overthinking, and it works all the time.

“M-marry?” Yongsun squeaked at the third second, and then almost immediately she felt a sudden surge of happiness.

“Yes!” She exclaimed right away, eyes still wide at Byulyi who shakily put the ring on Yongsun’s ring finger. Yongsun remembers screaming in a high pitch, Byulyi joining her as she lifted Yong off the ground. In a moment, they were both hugging each other tight, their happiness overflowing.

Byulyi held out her camera on one hand, hugging Yongsun on the other. Yongsun had both of her hands wrapped around Byulyi’s waist, looking at the camera, smiling wide.

Click.

_One, two._

Yongsun breathed out, tearing her gaze away from the three picture frames in front of her. She grabbed her phone at the coffee table beside her, checking the date.

February 4, 2020. 3:21 in the afternoon.

Exactly nine hours left before their ninth anniversary.

Yongsun stood up, it’s too late, but she’s going to save not just Byulyi, but everyone from the pain.


	6. i'll find you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi so it's the "end" hehe i don't think it's good but hey i did it! i listened to mirror while writing this so YES it's angsty. please support moonbyul's comeback eclipse!!!
> 
> WARNING: will be triggering and contains panic attack so please...

”When I die, will you be sad?” Yongsun’s eyes shot open, and although she just woke up a few minutes ago, all the sleep seemed to be washed away from her the moment she heard those words from Byulyi.

“What are you saying?” Yongsun replied, tone a bit annoyed but worried at the same time. She sat up, using her elbow, and moved closer to Byulyi who was also sitting down. She slowly held Byul’s hand which was caressing her hair a moment ago, squeezing it. She then slid her arm around Byul’s waist, half-hugging her.

“I just want to know,” she heard Byulyi reply in a soft whisper, anxiety visible in her voice. Yongsun turned to bury her head on Byul’s soft black hair, on Byul’s shoulder, hugging her a bit tight.

“Are you mad?” Yongsun felt Byul turn, her voice vibrating through her body. With that, Yongsun pulled apart, shock and confusion filled her mind, but she managed to hide it away, probably to assure Byulyi, who looked so down than ever.

“No! No, I’m not. What’s making you think of it?” Yongsun asked, still worried, brushing Byulyi’s cheeks with her thumb ever so carefully and filled with so much love. She smiled, only a small one but genuine enough, like how Byulyi smiled at her when she was down herself too. She brushed away a few strands of hair that hides Byul’s soft eyes, looking at them with intense love.

“Nothing, nothing,” Byulyi turned to her, so Yongsun held both of Byulyi’s shoulders, making Byul focus on her eyes too. She reduced the gap between them to a few inches until she could feel Byulyi’s breath hit her. She was focused on Byulyi’s eyes, the way they gradually moved from her eyes to her lips, then immediately returning to her eyes again. She took a peck on her girlfriend’s lips.

“I love you, Moon Byulyi,” Yongsun declared, her voice soft, soft as the tone Byulyi uses every time they meet each other. She once again brushed Byul’s cheeks with her thumb, a soft smile now lighting up Byul’s gloomy face.

“I love you too.”

_ Thinking of it now, Yongsun never answered Byulyi’s question to her a bit over a year and a half ago. _

She picked up her coat, her phone, a sling bag she used two days ago when Byul and she went out, and stood in front of their pictures. Byulyi’s picture. Her picture. Their picture.

She sighed, a tear escaping her eyes once again, picking up the picture frame at the very center. Written on the wooden back with Byulyi’s handwriting was February 5, 2019. Yongsun delicately grazed the top of it, before deciding to undo the locks that kept the picture frame inside.

One, two, three, four.

A paper slid down the moment she lifted up the back of the frame. She frowned, her heart beating a bit slower than normal, telling her something’s not okay. Technically, nothing’s okay. Yongsun bent down, hesitant at first but continued to pick the paper. It was folded two times, and judging by its color, it was new.

_ Kim Yongsun. _

_ Too many words I want to say, but this one part I read in a book encompasses everything like it was me who wrote it, so I’ll have you a copy. _

_ “In that moment, the moon and the sun shared the sky. For all of eternity, the moon and sun have chased each other around the world. Long into the future, they will continue this chase, merging the days into months into years into centuries, until the day the sun cannot take the separation any longer and she shatters, engulfing the moon and everything else in a burst of light. Most will call it the day of final judgment. The end. To the sun and the moon, it will only be the beginning. _

_ For the smallest of instants each day, they pause in this chase. They pause and look back at one another, smiling as if sharing a secret. Two lovers that can never exist as one, except in that single, brief instant. Lying there, Persephone smiled too. And as quickly as a smile parts two lips, the two sky wanderers parted ways. The chase was on again. Night gave way to day. _

_ That is true love, she had always thought. No force but love can impel one to step willingly into the shadows so that the other may shine.” ― Kelseyleigh Reber, If I Resist _

_ The odds of meeting you, the things we’ve been through, the love I have for you, everything you are to me. Words can never express how special you are to me. I'm so glad to have met you in this lifetime, Kim Yongsun. So, so glad, that we exist, in the same lifetime, beating all the odds against us. I love you, Yongsun. I'll never let you go, in this lifetime and in the others. I'll find you, like that day when the sun chased the moon, the beginning of all great things, some day, when that happens, in another lifetime, I'll still find you. _

_ I’m going to do the impossible; I hope you’ll love me until that time, and for a long time, even after that. _

_ Moon Byulyi. _

Yongsun wasn’t a crying mess, no.

She took the photo with her other hand, clutching the letter tightly on the other.

_ “When I die, will you be sad?” _

One, two.

Yongsun folded the paper once again, keeping the photo inside of her sling bag. Blurry eyes, clouded mind, Yongsun tried to make her way out. She has no time for crying, no.

_ Byulyi’s cold. _

She shook her head.

_ Byulyi’s body, flying out of her black car, she runs, Byul’s body, cold, laying in front of her, blood everywhere, hazed mind, exhausted body, Byulyi’s awake, she yells, Byulyi smiles, paramedics, Byulyi pukes, Byulyi’s body, now unmoving, the doctor, Moon Seulgi, brain death, their fight. _

Yongsun’s knees wobbled, so she steadied herself by the wall, a deep breath, that’s what she needed. But when she opened her eyes, it was her whom she met.

She, still on her white blouse laced with blue on the collar. She, still on her blood-covered white blouse laced with blue on the collar. She, with her cold expression and baggy eyes and scars on her heart and her top, still with  _ Byul’s blood _ everywhere, with  _ Byul’s blood  _ covering her _. _

Yongsun felt a cold breeze brush her left side, shuddering, she looked back.

No one.

No one was there.

_ Someone is there. _

“It feels different,” Yongsun said, immediately regretting it not even a second after she said it. She stayed on her spot, a few meters away from Byul, standing just behind the couch, not moving an inch, not sparing a glance at her girlfriend. She’s afraid, her heart beats in a very slow manner like every time some bad thing is going to happen, but she managed to keep her cool. She had to say this, whatever might happen.

“What do you mean?” She heard Byulyi reply, a footstep to reduce the gap between them, but Yongsun didn’t move. The gap between them, the space between them, the universe between them, Byulyi felt like lightyears apart from her. She’s still alone, in her own space, and Byulyi on her own.

Everything seems to have fallen apart.

She didn’t reply, or at least she thought she didn’t, because when Byul asked her what was wrong one more time, the crack in Byul’s voice caught her. And it almost made her change her mind. Almost. She still looked away.

“Our love… My love for you, it’s getting weaker.”

Yongsun sobbed, she tried to look at Byulyi’s eyes.

It pained her, so much.

“I don’t want to love you,” Yongsun struggled to voice out, her throat dry, as she tried to keep her voice still and emotionless with tears in her eyes. Eye to eye, she said it to Byulyi. Byul, who has only loved her since day one. She was breaking her life apart.

Yet Yongsun had no idea.

“Are you sure?” Byul’s voice cracked, and then she smiled, and Yongsun knows it because she heard it clearly, she saw it clearly, and that’s when she realized it.

“B-Byul ah, I didn’t mean to say it,” Yongsun voiced out, she gasped for air, stuttering, suddenly closing the gap between the two of them, gripping Byul’s hands, tight, so  _ so  _ tight. But Byulyi already felt a thousand lightyears away from her.

Desperate.

When Byulyi placed her hand over Yongsun’s gripping hands softly, like nothing’s really wrong, Yongsun felt weaker, then in a moment, Byulyi was out of Yongsun’s grip. Before leaving, Byulyi brushed Yongsun’s tears away, kissed her forehead goodbye, and Yongsun didn’t prevent Byul from leaving.

Not after five minutes, when the elevator was already closed, when she was 15 floors above and it was impossible to run after Byul, and when she did, when she finally saw Byul’s black car, when she finally was able to reach Byul’s black car speeding in an unusual limit on the unusually empty street, that Yongsun realized it was already too late.

Two seconds.

From the left, a small hill, an empty 16-wheeler truck rolled towards Byulyi’s direction, meeting Byulyi’s left side of the car, the impact enough to drive it at least a few meters away from its original position, to send Byulyi ejecting out of her car’s damaged windshield.

_ No one was there. _

Yongsun started to gasp for air, and suddenly it was so hard to breathe. No, she shouldn’t have an attack right now. She just couldn’t, but she was having it. No one was there. Yongsun breathes, faster and faster and faster and she just can’t stop herself and no one’s there for her and the world is ending and she’s dying.

_ Byulyi held her hand, a gentle touch. Yongsun had her eyes closed, but she remembered the way Byulyi held her hand. _

_ “One, two, breathe for me, Yong,” Byulyi held her close, a gentle voice. _

_ “One, two, it’s okay, Yong. I’m here.” _

_ “You’re okay.” _

_ One, two. _

Yongsun’s breathing slowed down, the world became clearer. She became aware of her body, sitting helplessly against a mirror. Yongsun decided to change her top before going out.

Oh, how much she hates herself in the mirror.

Yongsun spent her time on the bus thinking about the decisions she made.

Regrets.

“Yongsun unnie? What are you doing here?” Yongsun was greeted by Seulgi alone, Byul’s sister. She offered a smile, a shy one, because she didn’t deserve to be there.

“What did your parents say about organ donation?” She managed to ask, gazing across Byulyi’s body, Byulyi’s chest, still rising and falling. Yongsun closed her eyes tight, Byulyi’s dead; she’s here for a reason, and she’s not about to make everything harder.

She felt Seulgi pat her shoulder, a hesitating one, so she turned to meet Seulgi’s eyes with her pleading ones.

“Byul unnie faced a traumatic head injury, unnie. The hemorrhage on her brain – it was impossible to be conscious after the accident, but she was, and it wasn’t good. And unnie, Byul unnie could have died.”

Yongsun locked her eyes on the white tile.

“Mom and dad? They’re just waiting for you to accept the truth. She’s not alive anymore, unnie. As much as it hurts, we need to accept it. Byul unnie is dead. Once you said yes, they’re turning off Byul’s life support.”

Byul is dead.

“It’s not your fault, unnie.”

It’s her fault.

Yongsun couldn’t help but grow weaker, shed tears, the emptiness in her heart lingers, and it forever will.

It’s her fault.

Eight in the evening.

A doctor went to check Byulyi again, and Yongsun, now staying with Byulyi’s whole family, has finally made her mind.

No reflexes.

Byulyi wasn’t initiating any breathing by herself. The doctor was discussing once again the tests they’ve made to ensure Byulyi wasn’t misdiagnosed. Nothing’s misdiagnosed. And after a long look Byulyi’s mother gave her, a soft nod from Byulyi’s father, Byulyi’s sisters’ sad smiles at her, they all have made a decision.

Yongsun closed her eyes, brushing Byulyi’s hand for the first time since they went into the hospital. Byulyi’s not just a thousand lightyears away from her now, but a lifetime.

A tear rolled on Yongsun’s bare cheeks.

Her heart was crushing to pieces.

Yongsun slowly, carefully, planted a kiss on Byulyi’s forehead, like how Byulyi used to do, like the last time Byulyi kissed her, like the goodbye Byulyi gave her.

“Not a word can ever express my grief now that you’re gone, Moon Byulyi,” she whispered to Byul’s ears, remembering Byulyi’s words.

The doctor turned off the life support at 9 in the evening.

Officially, three hours before their ninth anniversary, Moon Byulyi was dead.

It was too late to reach out her hand. Far away, Byulyi exists, and Yongsun can never reach her. Her hurt is now of no use, because who knows if Byulyi even wanted to go back to the place Yongsun is now?

Who knows if Byulyi wanted to love Yongsun in her next life?

When Yongsun closed her eyes, it was Byulyi whom she met, smiling.

She failed to save Byulyi, but she knows, in her next life, she’ll find her.

It’s her time to do something for Byulyi, and when she does find Byulyi, the beautiful, sweet Byulyi, she’ll make sure to do everything for her.

Chasing the moon, the sun went out to seek forgiveness, and when she does find the moon, she’ll make sure to do the impossible.

“I’ll find you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a story i finished in less than a month!! yes, the only story. i'm so glad to have y'all support my writing like :( please continue supporting me as i'll be posting new angst mamamoo fics! thank you so much for reading!


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